Friday, March 5, 2010

Crisis of Faith

To keep things short, for three days I went through what is fondly termed a "dark night of the soul". It happened after a four day convalescence due to a sinus infection. I had not prayed, performed Senut or drawn any Faerie Oracle cards, which are all vital to my spiritual practice. I suddenly felt lost, incomplete. Yes, I believed in Egyptian deities, and They were there for me--but weren't They just a part of the One, the Divine Power? Since this is true, why was I labeling myself and the way I interacted with Spirit? I took my statues off my shrine, and placed them on a bookshelf. I didn't pray, or even sit in shrine at all. Yesterday morning I prayed to God/Netjer/Divine Power, and asked for a sign, so that I would know if God was still with me. During swim practice, I saw a pure white egret flying in the sky, a clear reminder of Who I belong to. I kept swimming, and started to doubt. What if it wasn't really meant for me, what if it was a random bird flying overhead and I happened to look up at the right moment? After I finished a 200, I saw the egret again. This bird was a physical reminder of my faith, of the tattoo on my hip, of the times I've spent blissfully in prayer, and felt truly happy. My Mother and my Father are there for me, always. No matter what name I call God, They are there for me. They love me. It was this truth that pulled me out of my downward spiral of confusion and fear. Last night, I lit incense for my Parents, and honored Them through writing.

I have rededicated myself.

Along with this rededication, I have realized something about myself. I can read something on the Internet, hear it from a Reverend, see it reflected in the faces of my fellow religionists, but I need to breathe my beliefs, eat my beliefs, live my beliefs. My crisis of faith happened because I had spent so much time immersing myself in the day to day practice of them that I never really stopped to think about what they mean to me personally, how they affect my character. So my soul or my subconscious (y'know, the part that decided I was going to have a crisis of faith) tore down my beliefs and made me reevaluate them and pick them apart until I decided that these are beliefs I can [i] live [/i]. In determining my faith, I have also had a chance to look at my diet. I follow ma'at, I live with compassion and love, but can I really say this when I am part of national, even world-wide amnesia? Animals beings to be treated with respect and love, and I cannot do that when consuming them for breakfast. Because of this, I am now following a vegan diet. It is difficult teaching myself to look at the ingredients labels, to think about where my food came from before how good it tastes. But I am trying. And I will succeed. If I am going to live my beliefs, it follows that my diet is a part of my beliefs. I am not being vegan so that I am a healthier human being, it is a resolution to live my faith in all aspects of my life.

I am a Shemsu of the Kemetic Orthodox faith.
I am vegan.

See? It wasn't that hard.

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